that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
