tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
