I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
