all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
that is very illegal...i love you.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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