I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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