Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
