Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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