i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
