I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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