On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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