I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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