Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
