I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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