A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
