Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
