Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
