I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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