so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
