So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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