its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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