i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
