There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
