i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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