Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
