Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
