In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
