if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Girls should come with a carfax report
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
