You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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