my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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