so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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