i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
