I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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