1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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