did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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