I hope mine doesn't look like that
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
