i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
