New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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