So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you would pick up someone in the library
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
