I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it