and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
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At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
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He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.