she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
