Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
