i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
