im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
