maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
