U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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