You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
