You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
