I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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