foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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