Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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