I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
