It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
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The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
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You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
ok first of all what the fuck
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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