Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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