I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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