life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
